So long and far away

...was the time since I last wrote something here.  But I am here to do a couple of things.  One of which is, to make myself determined to return to the keyboard more regularly and utilize this outlet for a few of my meaningless thoughts on things.  Hey, it's good for me and is basically harmless, as I don't believe anyone but perhaps a teensy handful of people (maybe.. one or two?) actually read this blog anyway.  Unless of course there are lurking thousands of folks voyeuristically peering into Carolyn's and my own little world of nonsense.  How would we know?  People don't generally comment on anything.  Which actually works to everyone's advantage.  It keeps me with a sense of security that this is practically a private diary, and that I have no standard to uphold wherein I oversensor myself due to desperate fear of offending someone or revealing too much of myself.  Also something I ought to overcome, don't you think?  It rather implies that I am insecure in myself and my beliefs, which is the sign of a weak character.  And that's the last thing I want to be thought of as, for heaven's sake!  Goodness no, this lass is stalwart!  (meh.)  The other is to use this forum to track my ideas and fleeting moments on a rather big development where, let's face it, only those presumably with an 'in' on this info could really see it in the first place.  Cause here's what.. this girl is pregnant.  That's right, me and the hubby are about 8 weeks into baby-making land, and the amount of babywhitenoise between my ears is deafening.  It needs to come OUT.  And God knows, facebook is no place for that.  My lower-level management's sister-in-laws daughter's babysitter's phlebotomist doesn't need to know these things.  I think in fact that a major resource to a woman like me - on my way to being a first time mom, God-willing, and no spring chicken! - are her mommy friends.  Of which I have a good handful.  In fact, every single one of my closest friends are mothers, and if they have not been tapped completely by my questioning, they soon will be.  My coblogger is essentially a proffessional in fact, and I trust her opinion explicitly.  Between my close family and friends, I am witness to the rearing and care of over 20 children at any given time, and have heard and seen so much of their lives.  They and their parents have been laden such joys, triumphs, pains, heartaches, laughs, love and the utmost of the complete range of emotions.  I am so frightened yet to eager to venture into their world .. the world of being a parent.  (apparent?)   My husband and I have a long road ahead of us, and to this day, I am still not entirely open with revealing to most people that I am even pregnant, being that we are still amid first trimester risks.  But for the life of me, and probably even moreso for the life IN me, I cannot remain silent on all fronts.  This news is too big and too wonderful not to express somehow.  Not to mention, the sickness is too debilitating not to complain about either.  I have rights, dammit. 

Here's the whatwhat.... I'm 8 weeks gestation, which is in my case, about 7 weeks pregnant (or so).  I had an early ultrasound due to a little scare earlier on, and was blessed to witness everything just as it should be.  Including witnessing for the first time a fluttering heartbeat.  My God in heaven, how magnificent a moment.  How I was able to maintain myself was a miracle too.  I think had I not been alone, due to a last minute problem with Joe's works schedule, I would have been a complete mess.  But I knew I had to hold it together, walk out of there and finish my day and drive home with nothing but the radio.  The first pair of living eyes I met after that experience... was our dog.  And even the familiar warmth of her happy-dog look when I walked in the door was enough to let me release my joy to bounce off the walls of our empty house.  I was able to savour the joy within the peace of my own heart before I shared it with my husband, which also was a magical moment.  I think maybe that's one of the blessings of being a mother.  That you can reserve that moment and savour it and let your soul embrace the wonder of it in a most indulgent way.  I still cannot believe that this is actually happening to us, and moreso, within myself.  I am eager for more moments like this, with each new development, feeling, discovery.  It may be so that I cannot eat or sleep, that I am uncomfortable all night and irrationally crazy at any given moment, that I am nauseous almost constantly and forever weary... I am committed to suffer this happily and be grateful for each day that passes that I am allowed to continue down this path to motherhood.  And tho maintaining a happy heart thru those challenges would seem difficult, I assure you, for me.. it isn't. 


~Sarah